Love yourself

How many times will you let people break your heart.

How many times will you cry for others.

How many times will you give control over to others. 

How many times will you keep trusting others.

How many times will you take to learn your lesson. 

How many times will you keep loving the ones don't deserve it.

Let them go. Take care of yourself.

Self sabatoge

 I am starting to think a lot about the abusive relationship i was in early in my adulthood. I was told I don't look good enough but have a good body. Not once but many times later too. Some mean mean comments that I can't believe i still remember even though those people are no more in my life. Even though I received love later from my close family and friends, i still felt i was not good looking enough to actually people love me. I somehow try to compensate for the bad looks by being smart which i don't think i am either. I feel like a total failure. I usually over extended so people will like me and love me the same way i do. But it has never been the case. Some have seen and liked me for who I am but not the ones I wanted. It could be bec of the situation they were in. But I feel i am so fucked up and need to do a lot of inner work to feel better. And i don't understand why I can't work things out with sujeeth either. He doesn't feel like a partner. He feels more like another child i have to take care of. I know i too feel like a child and want to be taken care of at times but with him, it's constantly me who has to be the adult amongst the two of us. I fucking miss the emotional connection and search at all the bad places and end up hurting myself more. I have to learn to be happy and self sufficient by myself  and not seek love and connection externally. 

I am a tree

 I was once a seed,

First among the other saplings,

Pampered by love.

I grew into a happy plant,

All lush and green.

Curious about the world around.

I branched into a shy young tree,

Decorated by colorful flowers.

My roots extending to new trees.

I saw a tiny shoot growing near me,

Amazed at the new part of me, yet not.

A new found high.

I am now a tree,

Not so pampered,

Not so curious, 

Not so lush,

Not so decorated,

Not so amazed.

Not so fun anymore.

I am now a tree,

Witnessing my leaves turning pale and fall,

My branches and roots wither a bit everyday,

I complete a circle of life they say.

But I know it's not true, but I know it's not true.

The endless suffering called life

Why life has to be so slow, long and painful. There is no escape from boredom, illness and sadness. We try our best to keep us engaged to keep us distracted from boredom. We are taught to fight illness and be strong and get up every time we are pulled down by life. We are taught to get up as many times as needed only to be failed by life. There is a melancholy ringing in the ears, lurking in our thoughts and mind every waking moment. We constantly try to escape from all these and be hopeful of the future. Why life has to be so slow, long and painful. Why can't it speed up and let us die as soon as we are done with the procreation phase, saving a lot of unnecessary suffering. We console ourselves saying there are going to be happy days ahead, great things to see and meet interesting people who could change our perception of life. However, there isn't anything that's going to satiate the soul. It's only going to crave more and end in more suffering. There is suffering souls behind every closed door. I wonder how people bring lives into the world knowing it's going to be painful and sad.

To alleviate suffering, stay in the present they say. If humans have not evolved to have the sense of

 time and memory to capture the past and plan for the future, we would have just bothered about the present. But only because of this boon, we have made so much progress as a species, which is also the reason for all the sufferings. I had always thought humans should be allowed to choose life and death. Like Euthnesia should be made common. Had it been, I am sure I wouldn't be writing this and long gone by now. Also, as a species who make so many mistakes in our simple decisions, can we decide for sure that we want to end our lives. I don't know, one day AI might help us decide if we are done for good. Or rather it can help us to end the sufferings and make life more bearable. 

The free world

 

       You must learn one thing:

       the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

-David Whyte

Heart break

We all would have had heart breaks at some point in our lives. Break ups, either romantic or with your best friends, is very painful. It isn't easy to cope, especially after an bad argument or misunderstandings. what did I do? Where did I go wrong? How can the other person don't understand even after being together for so many years? Can we ever go back to how it was? Do I really want to go back? Questions like these will haunt us for weeks. It's nothing less than the physical pain. We grieve such break ups like we grieve the death of a loved one. 

The problem here is we don't understand that the image of the person we have in my mind is just an idea. We romantisize them to the point that we refuse to see their real self. I don't mean they have turned evil now but they are just not that person anymore. For that matter of fact, we are not that same person anymore too. We are all very different from where we started. As we are different it may not work as it used to. Accepting this will save a lot of pain. 

The saying ' Time will heal ' is true to an extent. Time will heal. But we might return to the grieving days again thinking of the good days and memories of them. It will eventually lead us to the bad memories and will bring back the pain. Time will heal again. It's a cycle with ups and downs. 

In the process of healing, we might try to replace the hole they left in our heart with other people, only to find it's not the same. We might end up doing it quite a few times to realise it's not going to happen. We can't replace them with someone new but we can welcome new people into our lives as our hearts are much bigger than the hole they left. We can make new memories and be happy and content with the new people in our lives. We can't MOVE ON from heart breaks, but we can definitely move forward and that's the way. 

The abundant unused love

Right now, there is so much love in my heart. So much it can out run all the prevailing hatred. So much it can light the whole world with joy. So much it can consume the whole world. 

It just flows and touches everyone around me, especially when I am high. It's magical how even the people I hate otherwise, look like a lost child who need some tender love. 

Do alcohol bring out the compassion that I try to hide in my depths, just so I can pretend to be brave.

If so, I wonder what will psychedelics do to me. 

Aren't we all born this way? Full of love, joy and compassion? Where, on the way, do we lose this ability? Where do we learn to hate the fellow beings? May be in the process of protecting ourselves, we turn blind eye to other's sufferings. Are we scared of being seen as a vulnerable person? But isn't being vulnerable a beautiful human experience that allows to make deep connections? Is it possible to let go of our self? Is unconditional love possible if we try to be selfless? Can we sustain being selfless even after knowing that we are being taken advantage of?  I don't know. All I know is I want to get there.

I want to be selfless, just so I can give unconditional love to everyone. May be a glimse of that will bring change in the suffering souls and together we can heal the world. A world full of love and compassion. It's a utopian thought but not an impossible one.

There is love in everyone's heart. But it's all mostly unused. This new year, let's try to be better by letting go of our ego a tiny little bit at a time. Let's forgive others for their mistakes. Let's be kind. Let's put the abundant unused love, to good use.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year!