Self sabatoge

 I am starting to think a lot about the abusive relationship i was in early in my adulthood. I was told I don't look good enough but have a good body. Not once but many times later too. Some mean mean comments that I can't believe i still remember even though those people are no more in my life. Even though I received love later from my close family and friends, i still felt i was not good looking enough to actually people love me. I somehow try to compensate for the bad looks by being smart which i don't think i am either. I feel like a total failure. I usually over extended so people will like me and love me the same way i do. But it has never been the case. Some have seen and liked me for who I am but not the ones I wanted. It could be bec of the situation they were in. But I feel i am so fucked up and need to do a lot of inner work to feel better. And i don't understand why I can't work things out with sujeeth either. He doesn't feel like a partner. He feels more like another child i have to take care of. I know i too feel like a child and want to be taken care of at times but with him, it's constantly me who has to be the adult amongst the two of us. I fucking miss the emotional connection and search at all the bad places and end up hurting myself more. I have to learn to be happy and self sufficient by myself  and not seek love and connection externally.